Everybody loves personality tests, because everybody loves hearing about themselves. There’s just one problem with all these tests—they’re totally bogus. Meyers-Briggs? Junk. Blood type? Absurd. Star sign? Well, astrology is very much in right now so to avoid the ire of all of my homosexual Brooklynite readers I’ll just say it’s less than perfect.
Luckily, I’ve devised a personality test that’s accurate, reliable, and easy to administer. I call it the Enumerative Logistical Fixation-Based Optimal Inventory, or ELFBOI. There’s only one question, and it takes just seconds to complete. So here it is:
What is your favorite Legend of Zelda game?
Your answer will reveal not just information about your personality, but also both a positive quality to relish and a negative one to take heed of. If you find that your results do not reflect your conception of yourself, please keep in mind that the test is 100% error-free. Look deep within yourself—did you answer honestly? Remember: when you cheat, you’re only cheating yourself.
The Legend of Zelda
You are over thirty years old.
Good Point: Wisdom
Bad Point: Complaining about modern life
The Adventure of Link
You’re not afraid to break with convention and try something new. Even if it doesn’t work out, you learn something. Strangers might see you as somewhat two-dimensional, but those close to you appreciate your open and quirky nature.
Good Point: Adventurous
Bad Point: Communication
A Link to the Past
Practical and to the point, you’ve always got a plan and are working down your to-do list. You might need a little more direction than some to get started, but once you are—well, nothing can stand in your way. But you’re not totally single-minded—the mysteries off the beaten path occasionally catch your eye. And when they do, their brilliance is that much greater, and the sense of wonder that much deeper, as a result of your normally focused nature.
Good Point: Direct
Bad Point: Dark side
You’re nontraditional, curious, something of a dreamer. You’re willing to see past the exterior package to what really matters. You’re okay with ambiguity in life and narrative. Maybe you’re a big David Lynch fan? You tend to be drawn to colorful characters and everyone seems a little familiar to you no matter where you go. And in turn, they’re impressed by your ability to put old ideas together to arrive at something totally new.
Good Point: Imaginative
Bad Point: THIEF
Ocarina of Time
Some people have a tendency to dismiss what’s popular as beneath them. You’re too inquisitive for that, though. Things blow up for a reason, and you’re willing to take the majority opinion seriously in order to understand how it works. And really, at the end of the day, you can’t beat the classics.
Good Point: Classic taste
Bad Point: Too willing to run errands for others
You’re something of an eccentric. Others may call you strange or morbid, but in truth you’re just open to new experiences—even ones commonly thought of as frightening or upsetting. You’re capable of analyzing situations to a degree that is nearly superhuman—and as they say, the devil’s in the details.
Good Point: Bravery
Bad Point: Will die by drowning
Oracle of Seasons & Oracle of Ages
Most people in modern society are cut off from the natural cycles of the world. Not you. You understand that everything has a time, and that life is ultimately governed by nature’s rhythms. Sure, sometimes you might play with those cycles a little, but regardless, you’re adept at understanding your place in the eternal heartbeat of the universe.
Good Point: Going with the flow
Bad Point: Codependent
The word “synergy” might have been coopted by business, but all it really means is being in sync—and that’s you. Something about you brings out the best in any group you’re a part of. You transform a team into more than the sum of its parts, accomplishing tasks that would normally be impossible.
Good Point: Teamwork
Bad Point: Money obsessed
The Wind Waker
With an adventurous spirit, you’re always willing to set out and explore new places and ideas. Your roaming can occasionally get you in trouble, but mostly it leads you to beautiful new worlds. There’s always a presence deep below you, subtly troubling you, and maybe that’s why you keep moving. One day you’re going to have to face it, but with all the knowledge you’ve acquired and friends you’ve made, you’ll be up to the task.
Good Point: Independent
Bad Point: Daddy issues
Four Swords Adventures
As Drake said, it’s not about who did it first, it’s about who did it best. You can always see a way to improve on what’s already been done, and you aren’t afraid to do it. Remember, though, that sometimes your work is going to get lost in the shadow of what came before it. But for those who can get past that, you’ll always shine.
Good Point: Self-improvement
Bad Point: Dark side
The Minish Cap
There are worlds within worlds, things and places most people overlook in their daily lives. But you? You’re fascinated by them. Maybe some see you as a little woo, but really you’re just in touch with the little magics of the world. Perhaps because of this openness, you make close friends easily—and with them, you see sights others couldn’t dream of.
Good Point: Fashion sense
Bad Point: Seeing the forest for the trees
Was civilization a mistake? It’s an open question, but one thing’s for sure: you’re not entirely domesticated. There’s a feral part of you from which you draw strength—uncontrollable, hungry, wild. That might make it a little hard to put on clothes and go to an office everyday, but you can use it to your advantage—because when you get down to it, we’re all animals, you’re just willing admit it. Which wolf wins? It’s you, baby.
Good Point: In touch with nature
Bad Point: Easily pushed around
What lies beneath the depths? Most people don’t dare find out, but you face them with a steely resolve. Sometimes this lands you in hot water, but more often than not you discover hidden treasures. They say the mind is like an iceberg, with most of it beneath the water. That’s your domain, and you’re the stronger for it.
Good Point: Far sight
Bad Point: Always comes back to the same place
You could be accused of linear thinking, but what’s so bad about being focused? What they call tunnel vision is really just an unflinching dedication to a goal. Once you sight your sights on something, nothing can stand in your way.
Good Point: Ordered thinking
Bad Point: Repressed sexual fantasies about Ringo Starr as the conductor from Thomas the Tank Engine
The eternal contrarian, you may be accused of proclaiming your unpopular opinions solely to rile up your peers, but the truth is that you’re able to find value in things that others discard. One man’s trash is another’s treasure, and nobody is better than you at looking for that glint in the light.
Good Point: Birdwatching
Bad Point: Head in the clouds
A Link Between Worlds
You don’t buy it, you rent it—a hard truth that you’ve come to terms with. Ultimately, none of us is here for a long time, so it might as well be a good time. Knowing that we’re all in this together, you’re a very fair person, willing to help others in need. Hell exists on Earth? Absolutely. But you won’t be a part of it.
Good Point: Blending traditional and modern
Bad Point: Flat personality
Tri Force Heroes
Three is something of a magic number. There’s the Holy Trinity, it’s a good number in Chinese culture, and the third time’s the charm. What is it with this obsession with the number three? I truly don’t know. You’re on your own, kid.
Good Point: Luck
Bad Point: Cube
Breath of the Wild
When you step into a room, you do so with a presence that commands the attention of everyone around you—they’ve just never seen anything like you before. Whereas others are content to color within the lines, you’ve climbed up and off the page and you’re going to see what’s on the other side of that mountain in the distance. You’ve evolved past an attachment to things, knowing that they’re just tools and are ultimately fleeting. What matters is you, your wits, and your soul.
Good Point: Excellent cook
Bad Point: Easily sidetracked
Landstalker: The Treasures of King Nole
You are Tim Rogers.
Good Point: You are Tim Rogers
Bad Point: You are likely not Tim Rogers